As I sit dvery own to transcribe the height ten factors that I hate the Miami Heat – and also tbelow are considerably even more than ten factors but I’m a busy guy – the fate of the 2013 NBA Finals has yet to be determined. But whether the Heat win or lose in Video Game 7 is basically irpertinent to me. The damage is already done in regards to my feelings about the whole stupid franchise.

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I hate the Heat. I’ve constantly hated the Heat. Number Six (the basketsphere player, not the Cylon temptress) and his lauded arrival in South Beach only amplified my hate for a franchise who’s very own fans might care much less whether the team wins, loses, or plays Uno roughly a fold-up coffee table.

Some of this is jealousy, without question. I’m not to huge to admit that. While my teams (Cleveland) can’t seem to gain out of their very own means for basically the totality of my existence on Earth….Miami has actually celebrated 2 Florida Marlins titles, and also (as of today) 2 Miami Heat titles in their corresponding sports. And the Dolphins have at leastern made the Super Bowl. And the Hurricanes were pretty excellent a couple of years back. Oh, and also 1997 makes me desire to stab myself in the holy place with a fork. Repeatedly.

So, it’s treatment time for Danny. Here are the top ten reasons why I hate the Miami Heat. In images, bereason I love you all so incredibly much.

You’re dead to me.

 10) I need to hate Norris Cole

Norris Cole should be a “feel good” story for the fans of Cleveland also. No, he really must. Not precisely a local boy, but he did spend his college years nailing chicks playing basketsphere at THE Cleveland State College. So he’s kind of regional I guess.

But that matters not. Mr. Cole plays for the deffinishing NBA Champion Miami Heat, and for that reason, and also that factor alone, Norris Cole deserve to go jump off of a cliff carrying an anvil. He’s a traitor. A defector. Goodbye Norris Cole, you’re not really one of us, you’re among them, and also them is a bunch of words that Josh Flagner won’t let me usage here.

If you favor cruise-liners spanned in humale feces from bow-to-stern, Micky’s your male.

9) Micky Arison owns the Miami Heat

Just look at that guy. What a smug item of garbage. Micky Arison looks prefer the man that would own a fleet of cruise-liners that would catch-fire, idle adrift for days, and also go back to port extended in poop from the inside out.


Oh, and ketchup sandwiches as well. In poop. In the middle of the sea. On fire. With no power. Yeah, that’s this male.

It’s Micky Arison’s (so, Carnival Cruise Lines) bankroll that has actually enabled the abomicountries listed below to proceed to propagate themselves on NBA fans almost everywhere. Covered in poop, I’m certain.

I tooted.

8) Erik Spoelstra is the worst coach in the NBA

Erik Sp0lkdasjdkld’STRA isn’t fit to coach a YMCA Over-50 rec league team in Arkansas, a lot less a team through the talent of the Miami Heat. But, here he is anymeans. Mocking us all.

Do you think anybody on that team actually lis10s to “Coach Spo"”? Anybody? Do you think the man handing-out Gatorade also bothers to listen to a 13 year-old head coach?

Coach Spo’: “Hey, get me some Gatorade!”

Gatorade Dude: “No.”

Coach Spo’: “I’m thirsty.”

Gatorade Dude: “Go to your room, you’re grounded!”

Coach Spo’: “But the NBA Finals are tonight, and Riles sassist I might stay-up previous bedtime to coach the team!”

Gatorade Dude: “That’s 2 days mister….wanna shot for three?”

Coach Spo’: “No…”

That’s basically Erik Spoelstra.

“Kiss the ring, plebs.”

 7) Pat Riley is the living epitome of the term “douche canoe”

I have the right to make this really easy, Pat Riley is whatever that’s wrong with expert, college, high institution, middle school, elementary college, YMCA, and also girl’s catholic basketball.

First of all, he lucked into being the head coach of the Lakers in the time of SHOWTIME, which meant he was responsible for rolling the basketballs out for practice, and also making sure everyone was sober sufficient acquired on the plane to fly out or rerotate residence, depending on the itinerary. That’s around it. But, whatever before, some of us win life’s lottery, and also some of us are born Cleveland fans. Not choose we have the right to choose.

Secondly, he engineered the whole Lebron/D-Wade/Dinosaur-Boy “Three Kings” collection, which has actually single-handedly ruined the NBA for sectors north of the Mason-Dixon Line not called “New York” or “Chicago”. Now, everybody via any type of sort of talent in the Association desires to go play via their all-star buddies in a climate wbelow winter is nothing yet a vicious rumor. Thanks Riley, 70% of American sports fans appreciate that. Douche canoe.

At least they’re closer to Cuba. And hurricanes.

6) Location, because screw you.

I live the the armpit of the USA. In fact, Ohio is so “in the middle of nowhere”, that neither the Midwestern or the Northeastern areas of the nation want to case it as their very own. Sometimes Ohio is “In the Heartland”, and also sometimes it’s “The Upper Great Lakes”, and also periodically it’s even identified as “Northeast”. Really, it just counts on the day, and also exactly how much money there is to be made.

Miami, by compariboy, is a tropical wonderland also. Blue skies. Beaches as far as the eye deserve to check out. Palm trees. Bleached hair. It’s a magical location, if you’re a fan of nice weather and also beautiful scenery. And butts.

Sure, we have beaches in Cleveland also as well. Miles of them. It’s nearly the very same point, minus a few thousand also loads of contamination and THAT SMELL. Lake Erie smells favor a fermented tennis shoe. So screw you Miami, for being a tropical paradise, while we’re stuck with the smell of shoe anywhere.

Not 1…

 5) Lebron seriously wines around every call

Not 2…

Not 3…

Not 4…

Not 5…

Not 6…

I expect, dammit Lebron, just shut-up and also play the stupid game. It’s embarrassing what a crybaby you are.

That’s a genuine image. I swear to God.

4) Chris Bosh looks prefer a Dinosaur

HE DOES I SWEAR TO GOD! If a velociraptor and also Chris Bosh’s mother had a baby, it would come out looking favor Chris Bosh.

Either a velociraptor, or an emaciated groundhog. Maybe a woodchuck. I don’t know…but something ain’t ideal around dude’s grill, I think we have the right to all agree on that.

On a side-note, how many kind of chicken eggs can you fit in his mouth at one time? Not 1….not 2…..not 3……I say seven. That would be my guess. Seven chicken eggs right into Chris Bosh’s mouth at once. That’s the ultimate bar bet.

Bottlegate has met it’s complement.

 3) The Fans Part 1

Oh my God, there is so much WIN in this image I deserve to hardly contain myself. Her name is Filomena Tobias, and also she’s pretty a lot the a lot of obnoxious “fan” on Planet. Breasts and hair color no doubt bestowed by God the finest South Beach surgeons money have the right to buy, this classy lady made sure Joakim Noah taken just how to properly count to “one” – the counting thing is sort of a running joke below, just go via it – and also then she probably settled-in for a quiet evening of killing yet another husband also (allegedly), and also a few sips of Château Cheval Blanc before retiring peacecompletely for the night while…..

Use your imagination.

I like trains.

Wright here the %&$# are you civilization going?

2) The Fans Part 2

Miami….you have to be kidding me. You world left THE NBA FINALS – via THE BEST TEAM ON THE PLANET – early? Why? What on Earth were you fairweather johnny-come-lately idiot fans thinking? You don’t leave the NBA Finals early when your team still has a puncher’s chance.

This right below is why your city will never, ever, ever, in a million years be an excellent sports town. Miami renders LA look favor a bunch of pennant-starved Red Sox fans. This is utterly inexcusable, and also no fanbase in sporting activities history deserves another (or any) championship much less than you bozos do.

You world make me sick. I hope you gained to the TOFU TEEPEE in time to obtain the early-afternoon special, you bunch of ungrateful idiots. If you live in Miami, and “root” for the Heat, I hope you choke on a chicken leg on your method to brunch via Muffy.

1) The Three Kings

Basically the the majority of embarrassing video in NBA history.

BONUS HATE: Just in situation anybody forgained what a stooge Lebron can be, here’s a tiny Game 7 prepoccupational to get you riled-up, specifically if you live in or close to Cleveland. This is a unique sort of stupid on display.

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PROTIP: The look on his confront once they show the jersey’s burning almost renders watching this train wreck again enjoyable. Althe majority of.