This episode is weird because overall it is one of my go-to’s but it also makes my blood boil. This is one of the few times where I want to punch Charlotte York in the face. It should really be called Ring a Ding Ding Bat.
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The last episode ended with Carrie’s voice over telling us Aidan moved out the next day after their disastrous breakup. This episode begins with Carrie trying to fix her toilet while Aidan is moving out the last of his stuff. We can now immediately discuss reasons why Carrie Bradshaw is the WORST.
#1 – She begs Aidan to stay.
Aidan correctly tells her he can’t. She cannot give him what he needs but somehow thinks she deserves him anyway so is selfish enough to ask him to stay when he has the last box of his shit ready to go? And she gives him these weepy, Bambi eyes as if that’s supposed to change his mind.
#2 – She tells him she left the engagement ring for him on her clown table and that he should take it. I hope she remembered to take it off the fucking chain she was wearing it on! He says she should keep it (but if she did that, this maddening episode wouldn’t exist) but she insists he take it and then stays on her bathroom floor for three hours after he leaves because…? Who knows. I mean initially it was because she couldn’t watch him leave but then to stay there for three hours?? As I asked last episode, are we supposed to feel sorry for her? Because I fucking don’t.
#3 – Aidan has left her a thick envelope that she wrongly assumes it is a goodbye letter. It is actually a letter from the law offices of Gold & Vogel basically saying she has 30 days to buy back her apartment from Aidan, or vacate so he can sell it to someone who actually has money. I have so many thoughts.
First of all, did Aidan offer to let her keep the engagement ring because he knew he was “evicting” her and she has no money so could have hocked it for a down payment? Second of all, DID SHE ACTUALLY FUCKING THINK SHE WOULD JUST BE ABLE TO STAY IN THE APARTMENT THAT AIDAN NOW OWNS, RENT FREE? Even giving her the benefit of the doubt, which I hate to do, and she assumes she could just pay him rent, why the fuck would he want to have a landlord/tenant relationship with the worst person EVER? Spoiler: he wouldn’t!
#4 – Carrie and the gals are at brunch while Miranda has to explain the legal document and that Aidan isn’t actually evicting her. Samantha calls it tacky. She means Aidan, but the tacky one is Carrie!!! Everyone encourages her to buy but Carrie says NYC is a town of renters (except every other person at the table owns their apartment). One nitpick I have here is that Carrie points out Charlotte didn’t have to actually PAY for her apartment, Trey just gave it to her in a settlement. That’s not entirely true as we will find out next season when Bunny informs her that the deed is still in the MacDougal name, no matter what Trey promised.
#5 – Richard bought Samantha the new Chanel wallet and she admits he’s generous with money, which is Carrie’s signal to switch the conversation to herself to tell them all Aidan wanted her to keep the ring, but she couldn’t and it was the right thing to do. Like she is some kind of fucking martyr.
She asks Charlotte about her engagement ring from Trey and Char says there is no way she’d give it up. Carrie says there is no way she could keep Aidan’s ring because every time she looked at it, it would break her heart. Please. She was going to sell it for cash money IMMEDIATELY. But her comment does stick with Charlotte because cut to her getting her engagement ring appraised and possibly turned into a necklace. Ultimately, she decides she isn’t ready. (The ring is a 2.17 carat diamond from Tiffany. I googled this and as recently as five years ago it would be worth almost $50,000. For backwards inflation’s sake, let’s assume Charlotte is sitting on a $35,000 ring.)
#6 – Carrie goes to the bank to try and get a loan to buy her apartment. This scene is especially cringe worthy, for the following reasons:She has $700 in her checking account (BUT SHE JUST PAID HER CREDIT CARD BILL, LINDA, HAVE SOME RESPECT).$957 in savings. ($1,657 in cash + unspecified debt = negative net worth, great job girl)She tries to shame Linda, the bank employee, for being single, and can’t Linda understand her predicament and do her a solid?She has no other income, but feels the need to point out she was NY Magazine’s best pick for city columnist. As if that is supposed to be worth money? Linda is not impressed.She has no assets outside the bank – no stocks, bonds, property, etc. And then is still all woe is me because she can’t get a loan because she’s an “undesirable” candidate because she’s 35 and worth nothing.
#7 – She decides to change her lifestyle and take the bus. Which she does…once, while bitching to some poor lady that when she USED to take the bus it was 75 cents but now it’s $1,50 and for $3 more you could take a cab. SHUT UP. Also, the bus that comes has her column ad on it, which makes her feel worse. Good!
#8 – In her voice over while writing her column, she blabbers about how even though she’s 35 and single with no financial security, she has life experience and shouldn’t that count? Um, no bitch. Your bank is not going to use your various fuck ups as monetary collateral. You have nothing to show for your past relationships – deal with it.
#9 – Carrie and Miranda go shoe shopping because Miranda’s feet are too bloated to fit into any of her current shoes. Carrie is whining about how she can’t buy any right now due to her financial predicament but then asks the sales guy to bring her like 709 pairs to try on. She insists she is doing this just for fun and he shouldn’t let her buy any of them. Lady, this man is not Al Bundy. He actually wants to DO his job. Take your ass to Payless and try on shoes for fun there.
By the way we are not even halfway through this episode and I am already up to ten reasons.
#10 – Still at the shoe store, Miranda talks about how she’s an undesirable (gassy, bloated, farting but horny AF) and Carrie once again switches the convo to herself and how SHE is the undesirable because she can’t get a loan/mortgage and is legitimately confused about where all her money went.
#11 – Carrie can’t do basic math. To answer her money question, Miranda grabs a shoe and says, “at $400 bucks a pop, how many of these do you have?” We find out it is at least 100 and Miranda points out 400×100 is her down payment. Carrie is all what that’s only $4,000. Um, no Einstein, it’s $40,000, which Miranda points out, and only at that point is Carrie horrified.
#12 – Carrie goes to look at other apartments to rent and has nothing but bad things to say about each apartment poor Delia shows her. Delia is no doormat though and tells Carrie to take her price range and attitude to Weehauken.
#13 – Her next move is to go see Big at work to ask him how to make money fast. I think this post by Kate Erbland sums it up pretty nicely:
Carrie does, ostensibly, ask for financial advice from Big, but her intentions are clear. She wants money to save herself. He gives her acheck.
So yeah she’s all how did you turn $3 million into $100 million? Big is no dummy and sees through this facade but gives her a $30,000 check anyway. This bitch knew there was no way she could make the money herself in three weeks and she also knew Big would just give it to her but then she waltzed in trying to cover up her intentions anyway. I’d have more respect for her if she’d just gone in there and was like yo, mama need some cash, spot me bro.
#14 – Out at dinner with the girls, she flashes her down payment check from Big and asks their opinions on whether or not she can/should take it. Miranda is adamant that she not take it. Samantha has the opposite opinion. Charlotte doesn’t want to talk about it. Miranda offers to loan her half the money instead and Samantha offers up the rest. Charlotte just averts her eyes. Carrie proclaims she will do this by herself and rips up the check from Big. Please, bitch, you won’t do it by yourself because you can’t because you’re the WORST.
Erbland, once again, comes out swinging with a very valid point:
Charlotte is meant to be the bad guy here, the shitty friend who won’t pony up the cash to her moron friend, even though she’s just gone through a terrible divorce andalso doesn’t have a payingjob.
Although, I will say, she doesn’t appear to NEED a paying job because presumably Trey is slipping her cash. I am confused as to where her money comes from but she obviously has a lot of it.
#15 – Realizing she probably needs to give up her apartment, Carrie goes over to Charlotte’s, unannounced to unload all her frustration and anger and make her feel guilty for not offering her the money. She says she wouldn’t have taken it (sure, Jan) and if the situations were reversed she would have offered it to Charlotte…LOL girl you have $1,600 to your name, what do you have to offer ANYONE?
#16 – Carrie also says while she has made mistakes, so has Charlotte and Carrie has always been there to listen and support her (again…LOL. Bitch always finds a way to change the subject back to herself) and lays into her for averting her eyes at dinner when the other two girls offered to loan Carrie the money.
#17 – Charlotte points out, RIGHTFULLY, that it is not her job to fix Carrie’s finances and she needs to learn how to do things on her own. Carrie notices that Charlotte is wearing her engagement ring and chastises her for that too and how could she tell Carrie to be more independent when she is wearing Trey’s ring? Um, well first of all she is not begging people for $30,000 because she’s blown all her money on shoes. She’s having a difficult time with her divorce and is being yelled at by her selfish, awful, dip shit friend who can’t get her head out of her own ass to realize other people have problems too.
#18 – At lunch with Charlotte, Carrie apologies for her little tantrum and Charlotte ends up giving her the 2.17 rock for her down payment. CHARLOTTE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Carrie insists she will pay Charlotte back (LOL), takes the ring and signs her mortgage. I’m sure she enjoyed sticking it to Linda, too.
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Carrie’s voice over says some garbage about Charlotte taking her painful past and turning it in to Carrie’s hopeful future. It’s so ridiculous that Carrie’s guilt trip tantrum actually worked and even though it ISN’T Charlotte’s job to fix Carrie’s finances, she does it anyway. And it never comes up again so we all know Carrie never paid her ass back one cent.
SIDEBAR: Steve mercy fucks the horny, pregnant, gassy, Miranda, returning her kindness that led to said pregnancy.
SIDEBAR 2: Richard is having his assistant buy Samantha a shit ton of gifts and she catches on and ends up manipulating him to say “I love you”. And then she doesn’t fucking say it back. Sounds like those kids are going to make it.